How do you change a child’s behavior?

As a retired school counselor, I often answer questions on various forums about children and behavior.  A question that comes up repeatedly for all ages and in various forms is how to motivate children and create change.

Educators wonder how to get children to apply themselves and care about learning the prescribed curriculum.

Counselors wonder how to get children to change negative behaviors into positive ones that serve the both the child and their peers.

Parents wonder how to do all of the above while managing to earn a living and maintain a household!

It’s a complex issue and often the answer is:  “It depends…”

Change and the Elephant Analogy

In their book, Switch: How to Change Things when Change is Hard, Chip and Dan Heath take the  complex concept  of change and present it in simple terms that anyone can learn and apply to a particular situation.

Here are the basics:

The authors present the analogy of a rider who is trying to control an elephant (those of us who have worked with young children can certainly relate to this).  The elephant is the emotional side of us and the rider is the rational side.  While the rider has the reins and seems to be in charge, his control is always iffy because the elephant is so much larger than the rider and can easily overpower him. There is also a third element that needs to be considered and that is the environment that all of this activity takes place in.

The Three Sides of Behavior Change

Many times when adults try to ‘motivate’ children they approach the  problem from the rational side of the rider.  They try logic.  They try reasoning.  They try strategies.  They use candy and stickers for a job completed. They explain why good grades now will get you into college later.  These tactics may work… but they may not.

At this point many of us give up in frustration.

Instead, what if it’s possible to create change through considering the needs of the elephant?  This involves taking the time to learn about the feelings involved and to tap into those feelings.  How can you get children to be enthusiastic or excited about the desired change?  How can you generate compassion, loyalty or ambition?  These are not easy questions but it is possible.

It is equally important to consider the environment.  Can you manipulate the environment so that the desired behavior is more likely to happen?  Are the directions and the path to follow crystal clear so that children know the plan and the end result? Have you removed any obstacles to the desired behavior?

Change for children is driven by the same factors as change for adults.  Anytime you are attempting to change a behavior, think about it from the point of view of a rider on an elephant.  How can I appeal to the rational side?  How can I appeal to the emotional side?  How can I create an environment that supports change?

Related posts:

3 Ways to Help Children Cope with the Stress of Change

5 Tips for Thriving with your Strong-Willed Child

5 Easy Steps Kids can Learn to Problem Solve

 

Wyatt Goes to Kindergarten

Wyatt has never liked change, at least not at first.  Once he tries something new, he usually finds he really likes it.  Now that he is about to begin kindergarten, Wyatt is really worried.  Will he make friends?  Will he get lost in the new school?  Will he miss his mom?  Join Wyatt in his latest “wonder-full” adventure! Wyatt-kKindergarten_thumb
Wyatt the Wonder Dog: Goes to Kindergarten

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